Ebb and Flow (Part 2)

Posted on 10/12/2020 @ 2:30pm by Captain Cian D'Anvers

Mission: S2E2: The Auction House
Location: USS Crazy Horse, Captain's Quarters, Deck 3
Timeline: Day 40 at 0730

"J.J. it is then," Cian said. "If you don't mind my asking, what's it like? Being both experienced and a relative newcomer to command at the same time?"

"Painfully complicated, Cian, If I am to be completely honest" replied Jodon. He took a sip of coffee and thought about it for a moment, how to properly explain it. "Do you often make command decisions and find yourself wrestling with your conscience, second-guessing the action you are about to take, or the position you've taken on a matter? It happens to me as I am sure it does to everyone in command, but the uniqueness of my predicament is that I'm not caught between a tug of war of my conscience. I am caught in a tug of war between two vastly different personalities and I live my joined life now trying to walk a line in the middle, but you can never stay directly down the middle."

"You can't reach command, at any level, without spending time wrestling over decisions, both before you made them and sometimes, even afterward," Cian said, as he stared into the depths of his coffee cup as though seeking an answer there or even just a way to express his thoughts. "I started that process much younger, the person I was versus the person I was becoming. It was almost like a .... a ... running battle in my head for awhile there." He offered up a wry smile as he met J.J.'s own. "And its not easy. I know. But what you face ... the idea of two distinctly different personalities, compounding that internal argument, personalities, with different lives and different experiences, that can't always find agreement? That's ... a quite a challenge. But don't the Trill have a way of resolving such ... conflicts?"

"Yes and no," replied the Trill First Officer as a prelude into a more delicate and layered topic. "Normally, a Trill trains hard both physically and psychologically for the joining process. It is something they aspire to be a part of and the Symbiosis Commission is extraordinarily selective on the candidates for joining, most Trills do not make it and are eliminated from being a potential host, but all those years are spent preparing to be joined. I did not have those years. Afterward, there is always counseling and I will continue to need that for as long as I live; however, the best way to resolve the 'conflicts' is to adapt with age, Joral and I will bond more and adapt into a better state of harmonized symbiosis in due time. Currently, we are still courting one another in a way."

"Friendships deepen over time and shared experiences provided both sides have respect for each other to start with," Cian said. "So that makes sense though its harder for me to imagine how that goes when neither one of you can get away from the other."

"When you are a joined being, a Trill learns quickly that if the joining is going to work, you must surrender yourself almost if not entirely," countered Jodon with a small smile. "I am still learning...well Joral is strongly opinionated, and I would have never been Joral's first choice, nowhere near. The point is to give up all that you had or belonged to in that life, because when you are joined as I am, it stops being about the host and the symbiont separately, it becomes a union which creates one blended individual."

"And the symbiont does the same? Surrenders what it was in past lives to make this one work? Or does the experienced Captain find letting go harder than it might have thought," Cian asked.

"Well, that experienced Captain was an unjoined Trill at one point in her life, before she became joined with Joral," Jodon noted. "In a way, I retain some of those memories and experiences because of the symbiont, but yes the symbiont does surrender a bit of its previous host in order to connect better with me as its current host. It is complicated...layered, but I can assure you that I will serve to the best of my abilities as your XO, Cian."

Years of practice meant that Cian suppressed the groan that threatened to escape. And this is probably why commanding officers don't try to just ... converse. ""Of course ... I ... look I apologize if this came off sounding more like an interrogation than a conversation. Tell you what, ask me something you want to know but wouldn't normally feel comfortable asking."

Jodon dismissed the apology. "You are curious and interested. I don't take offense to that, Cian. I was and still am very much a scientist. I'm always eager to learn and study, and sometimes that means stumbling." He smiled and took the opportunity. "What was the most foolish or reckless thing that you've done?"

"Reckless," Cian mused. "There's been so many ..." He chuckled because there was some truth to that and then he remembered that day. So, I grew up on Syndar Prime. Not a Federation world. I was 874 Cian back then, 874 being the family designation. The 874th line of serfs. We were ... property, you see. Owned by the government, without rights. Got my first brand at the age of three." Without realizing he did so, he rolled his shoulder, as though he could still feel the pain. "And every year, always when it was bitter cold, they'd call us all together in the central square, girls in sleeveless shifts, boys in thin pants. No shoes. And we'd wait to be evaluated. Sometimes, the brand updated, sometimes not. And boy I hated it. Hated standing for inspection. Hated the way it humbled every adult I knew. I can still see standing there, eyes downcast, trying not shiver."

"So ... there I was. I was five and already working every day. Had been for a year. Well, the guy was running it, was taking his time. Drinking hot tea and chatting with the doctor between evaluations and we were all so cold. I was shivering and I had to go to the bathroom and my Mother, I swear her lips were turning blue and I just ... snapped. Stupid really. What was I going to do? What could I do," he shook his head. "So what I did, reckless and stupid as it was, I went home to get my Mother her coat."

Jodon looked intrigued by the Captain's personal narrative. "Sounds like the two of us have an interesting...unique childhoods, probably quite different than those of the other crew. Who knows what Cash's childhood was like. Then again, he might still be living it" teased the First Officer.

"If his record is any indication," Cian said with an answering smile, "he most certainly is. I find it disconcerting that a man who takes so little seriously is tasked with taking care of this ship. I keep expecting to wake up and find that he's dismantled the warp core because he was bored ..."

Jodon practically facepalmed at that comment and the mental image he had summoned because of it. "Given his record and what I have heard come out of his mouth and seen him do thus far, I would not be surprised. I keep trying to hold out hope that there will be some sort of awakening and reform process that has just been slow to start, but I am beginning to feel like I am fighting a losing battle, Cian. Sometimes, I feel like I need something a hell of a lot stronger than coffee to get through any prolonged time with him" confessed the First Officer. "I'm sorry. I know that is not exactly what anyone would want to hear from their XO."

"He was never my choice and I made it clear to his father, the Admiral, when he pushed him at me and to Cash himself when he arrived, that he would need to prove himself," Cian said. "The fact that he has not done is no one's fault but his own." He sighed because what came next was not something he enjoyed. "I'm afraid I'll have to request a replacement and you know, how those vultures can be. No doubt they'll want to strip my ship of personnel before they will be willing to cough up anyone at all."

Lieutenant Jodon nodded. "He would not be my first choice either, not by a long shot" noted the XO. "We may have options. He's technically only Acting Chief Engineer. The temporary nature of that 'title' makes him more moveable than an individual assigned as a Department Head. Additionally, we could seek to push his personnel file out there and see about getting him transferred to another starship in the capacity of Chief Engineer."

Cian mimed pushing his sleeves up as he said, "I'll have to wade in and see what can be done. Is there anyone currently in the department that could take over as Acting Chief?"

Jodon sipped the last bit of coffee and just gave Cian a look over the rim of the coffee mug. If there was a way to just keep the mug to his lips to hide his face, he would have. Unfortunately, he had to lower it and set the mug aside and actually respond to that question. "Sir," J.J. began to respond opting the more formal route than the casual one. "With all due respect...I believe I have enough confidence in the ensigns in Engineering to temporarily hold the position of Acting Chief Engineer."

"Othei's mercy," Cian said on an outward sigh and shook his head slightly. "Have the most likely candidate come in. We'll speak with him together and then, if he's not drunk and he seems remotely competent, I'll give him the position."

"I will make it happen," replied Jodon. "Thank you for taking the time to see me this evening. We should do it more often" added J.J. with a small smile.

Cian smiled, "Certainly. Only next time, let's do it over dinner ..."

"I'd love to, Cian" J.J. replied with a smile sneaking across his face. He tried his best to contain the extent of his delight. It was his hope that he and the Captain would have this sort of dynamic, not the distant ones that you hear about in command classes.

A Post By:

Captain Cian D'Anvers
Commanding Officer
USS Crazy Horse

and

Lieutenant Jodon Joral
Executive Officer
USS Crazy Horse