Alone

Posted on 06/25/2020 @ 11:44am by Captain Cian D'Anvers

Mission: S1E3: Visit to Starbase 375
Location: Private Quarters, Cian D'Anvers
Timeline: Day 3 at 2000

The work day ended and because fate is not often kind to starship Captains, he'd had to contain his grief and his thoughts and do the job. He ignored food, went without tea, and just, got it done. As quickly as he could.

Now, all those long hours later, he was in his quarters again. Just standing alone and still, past the edge of the sensor range that would encourage doors elsewhere on the ship to open automatically. The fact that that didn't happen in private quarters didn't matter. Habits were habits born of going on twenty years of service.

Alone.

The thought tumbled through his mind sending him careening backwards to those early days on his own world. Watching the last of the ships leave. Glad to see them go and surprised at how lost everyone looked. Every adult in his life that mattered, staring up into the sky like so many orphaned children, tears sliding unnoticed down their cheeks.

Understanding came later. When he walked through empty streets past abandoned stores and houses. When he, like so many of the children, had dared to enter the vacated homes of the nobility and play in the emptied rooms. Yes, understanding came later when he stood over the bodies of his parents with that very same look, orphaned and alone, in his own eyes. When he'd had to bury them himself.

He understood loss.

He understood being alone.

Cian dropped into the nearest chair and sat staring straight ahead. His mind turned cautiously, as though venturing into unfriendly territory, toward his memories of Leonie. They'd met when he was sixteen. He hadn't understood a thing about love and commitment; those weren't concepts that had figured heavily into his life. He remembered her generous heart and brilliant smile. How she had lured him out of his self-imposed isolation and tethered him to her world.

Never a love match. Partners. Sixteen when they met, she'd been a part of his life for twenty-four years. It was hard to imagine what life would look like now without her there. "I hope I did right by you," he whispered into the emptiness. "That you were happy ..."

No longer anchored, lost in turbulent thoughts edged in grief, he sat without movement. Unwilling participant in a parade of memories that slammed into him like body blows. Not the first loss. Not even the tenth. They all hurt.

Time passed. He survived the onslaught and fought his way to the surface; began to focus on things that needed to be done.

First and foremost, he needed to speak with her parents. Then arrange for Operations to send her personal possessions back to them. They'd had so little of her these past years. It seemed only right that they have the things she'd touched and loved. The notion settled with him and he found himself nodding. Their home was part museum dedicated to the history of the family anyway. Better that her things be there, cared for, than risked aboard the Crazy Horse. He had the memories and maybe a little guilt.

He crossed to his desk and sat down. "Connect me to ..."

A Post By:

Commander Cian D'Anvers
Commanding Officer
USS Crazy Horse