Feeling Lost

Posted on 11/22/2020 @ 6:32pm by Lieutenant Commander Kiernan Gallagher VII
Edited on on 03/02/2021 @ 6:17pm

Mission: S3E1: Time of Change
Location: Counseling Office
Timeline: Day 81 at 1630

Kiernan Gallagher once again found himself walking down the corridor, this time toward the counseling suites. Oskar had finally confronted him and asked him to seek professional help, they didn't exactly have an argument but Oskar had made it very clear where he stood on the issue. So here he was, making his way to see a counselor. He wore casual clothing, the only indication he was apart of Starfleet was that his combadge was affixed to his purple long sleeved henley. Other than that, there was nothing that screamed of his specialty or position on the ship.

One of the questions he struggled with was why this incident had bothered him so much? It shook him to his core, it was always in the back of his mind. He had never seen anyone get killed in such a manner. In the twenty-fourth century, people didn't murder others... well, at least civilized people didn't. The death penalty had long been abolished and prison reform had taken place. Every life had value, so what did that mean for someone who took a life? Larissa Syndel not only took a life, but she lost hers in the process. He wanted to visit her, to talk to her, to find out what why she did what she did, but he was forbidden to do so. Instead, he was left with his soul hurting and his heart breaking.

It all came down to the why?

After a few more minutes, he finally arrived at the counseling offices. He had an appointment and he made sure he showed up only a minute before. He rang the chime and waited.

Kiara had worked hard to get her office how she wanted it, now it was comfortable for both her and the crew she was taking on her first patient. She was only on light duties in the Counselling department to start off but she planned to prove she could do her job despite her own problems. When the door chime rang she looked up and called “Come in”

The doors slid open and Kiernan hesitated a moment before he stepped fully into the office. The science officer took a look around the office, sizing it up, before his gaze fell onto the counselor and sizing her up. He didn't relax, at least not yet. "Thank you for seeing me on such short notice," Kiernan said, his voice soft.

“It’s my pleasure” Kiara offered a smile. “Please make yourself at home” She motioned to the chair or sofa for Kiernan to decide where he wanted to sit. “Can I get you anything to drink?”

Kiernan slid onto the couch and nodded. "Sure, that would be great," he said, "a red ginger tea hot, please." He didn't lean back, or even make himself comfortable until he was sure he could trust the counselor.

Kiara nodded and walked over to the replicator, returning a few moments later with a mug of hot red ginger tea. She carefully placed it on the coffee table in-front of him before taking her seat. “So what brings you here to see me?”

"My partner thought it would be a good idea," Kiernan said. He took a deep breath and let it go slowly. "I have been struggling with what Lieutenant Syndel did during the away mission. She murdered that guard in cold blood, and it wasn't even in self defense. But on the flipside of that, I feel such sorrow for Larissa, the loss of her career, her freedom, all for one stupid mistake." He picked up the tea, but didn't bring the mug to his lips. "Starfleet just wants us to suck it up and move on like it was just another day, but... I can't. I just can't brush this off."

Kiara nodded understandingly. “May I ask have you ever seen anyone killed before this recent event? Or had to kill anyone yourself in the line of duty? I know as Starfleet Officers we’re trained not to kill unless we have to, sometimes a situation calls for it.” She took a deep breath, this was bringing back memories her own counselling sessions. “Not that I’m saying what Lieutenant Syndel did was right.”

"What she did was absolutely NOT right and unbecoming of a Starfleet officer and everything Starfleet stands for," Kiernan reiterated. He then found himself shaking his head. "I've never witnessed a death like that, nor have I had to kill anyone in self defense. I'm a scientist, any battles I've been in have been coordinated by a command center or bridge. I was never directly involved." He finally lifted the mug to his lips and took a small sip, the warm, but spicy liquid had relaxed his shoulders, but he still was wound tighter than a baptist preacher's wife whose girdle was too tight.

“Then your reaction is understandable.” Kiara offered a smile. “Security officers are trained how to handle such occurrences, and even they find it hard to cope with. As a scientist you don’t expect to be put in that kind of situation. To witness a killing is a horrifying event, it’s something that’s going to take time to recover from. Trust me I understand, I went through something similar myself.”

Kiernan sat with that for a moment, letting the silence pass between himself and the counselor. It had been a horrifying event to witness, it was something that had stayed with him, night and day. The image of Syndel, the fire in her eyes, was a constant in his mind. "The other thing is..." he paused, swallowed hard and tried to collect his thoughts. "The thing is, as you can tell, I'm not an imposing person. I'm no where near even average in height or weight for a human male..." Again, he trailed off, falling silent for another beat. "She just pushed me aside, as if I was nothing... she pushed me aside to shoot the guard. I was standing right next to her, I was in her way, and she just shoved me... I couldn't even react because I fell backwards. I just keep thinking that if I could have been taller, stronger, I could have stopped her." He frowned at that moment as tears threatened to fall, and immediately he palmed them away.

When he spoke again, his soft voice hitched. "All my life, even into aduthood, I've had to put up with people pointing out my physical features as being flawed. It just makes me wonder if it had been anyone else there, they could have stopped her. Even though it all happened so fast, a much sturdier person would have not been pushed away so easily."

“Don’t think like that” Kia looked at Kiernan concernedly. “Your physical features have no bearing on this, Orion women are very strong compared to women from other species. Even so someone else may just have been pushed aside as easily. You beating yourself up doesn’t help.” She offered a warm smile. “As you’ve already told me you’ve never taken a life and you’ve never seen one taken until now. That’s bound to haunt you. You wouldn’t be human if it didn’t bother you.”

Kiernan wasn't sure he could totally accept that argument about Orion women, but what could he really say to that? Nothing came to mind. "So, then, what do I do? How do I get past this?" When he asked these two very simple, but loaded questions, there was desperation in his voice. He wished he could just have someone zap the memory from his brain, but he knew that would really accomplish nothing. Not to mention, a memory wipe was a dumb idea to begin with.

“You’re doing it, just by being here” Kiara offered a comforting smile. “Accepting that you need help is the first rung on the ladder of acceptance and recovery. Talking about it is a start, bottling it up will just make it worse. Do you have nightmares about it?”

"I do, though they have become less frequent as of late," Kiernan said. Though they were less frequent, it didn't make them less horrific. One nightmare would induce panic and sleeplessness for at least a day. They crippled him in a lot of ways, what helped was his work. He would report for duty and for a duty shift he would be free of thinking about the horrible incident that took place on the Auction House station.

“It’s good that they’re becoming less frequent.” Kiara offered a smile. “Have a read ...” She looked through a pile of PADDs that were nearby. “of this.” She handed him a PADD. “It explains how to control your dreams, and how to find a way out of nightmares. It may help you, it works for me.”

Under normal circumstances, Kiernan would have been skeptical of such a thing. But in the here and now, he was desperate to get better, so science and logic were thrown out the nearest airlock. "Thank you," he said as he took the PaDD. He looked at it briefly, scanning the contents before setting the device onto the table. He would make it a point to read it.

“It should help but if it doesn’t there are other ways so don’t despair, you’re not alone, not anymore.” Kiara offered an understanding smile.

Kiernan looked up and offered a small smile in return. "I appreciate that, thank you," he said. "I would like to set up another appointment if you think that would be a good idea."

“A follow up sounds appropriate” Kiara nodded and smiled. “How’s about we say a week from now? If you need to see me before then you can call or drop in.”

Kiernan thought for a moment before he nodded. "Yes, that would be fine," he replied. He would talk to Oskar, maybe he would see if he wanted to come along this time. It would help to have that support, but there would be no pressure. "I really appreciate you taking the time to see me."

“That’s what I’m here for” Kiara smiled warmly, she had to admit it was good being back working again.

Kiernan blew out a breath. "I can't say I feel better yet, but you have given me the tools to at least combat my own issues when it came to this," he said. He held up the PaDD. "And I'll be sure to read this as soon as possible."

Kiara nodded. “If you have any questions just call.” She smiled warmly.

"I will, thank you," Kiernan said. He stood up slowly, he was reluctant to leave but their time was up. He all of a sudden felt like he had more to say, but yet none of it really bubbled up. "I'll see you next week."

Kiara smiled. “I’ll see you then.”

**

A post by:

Lieutenant Kiernan M. Gallagher VII, PhD
Chief Science Officer
USS Crazy Horse

Lieutenant jg Kiara Rahl
Chief Diplomatic Officer/Counsellor
USS Crazy Horse

 

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